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I saw myself as lacking in all elements that fit within my narrow definition of beauty. These feelings of ugliness caused me to become disassociated with my body. When I was 10, I started tearing out bits of my hair. I ended up modeling some bizarre OCD-fueled crimp-do accompanied with white dip-dye.

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My hair became a mixture of bald patches and serious inconsistencies in thickness. My ends were so split that someone might have dunked them in icing sugar. My hairdresser asked me if I had taken a lighter and held it to the bottom of my hair. This jagged and broken frizz inescapably stapled to my head — combined with the fact I was gaining weight — caused me to enter puberty adamant that I was not pretty and never would be so I may as well focus on other things.

A couple years older and wanting to present myself as sexually attractive to boys, I decided my only route was dressing like a slut I say this in a retrospective voice — this was before my feminist enlightenment and understanding of slut shaming. I once genuinely wore simply an Ann Summers pink and black polka-dot corset, knickers, tights and heels to an underage night.

At age 16 I underwent a complete Patterned dresses from ASOS ordered in bulk. I had begun to resent my curves, my big boobs, my big bum and my big thighs: physical attributes that determined the way clothes fell on me, undermined the delicate flower fairy image I was trying to sport. I attempted to erase my voluptuous physique with these long shapeless dresses. I drifted through high school dressed like a frumpy church lady.

One benefit of this frantic desexualization, however, was that I gave off a false air of apathy, far too moral and grounded for the superficiality of striving for pretty. A year or so ago, specific circumstances forced me to finally identify these insecurities and attempt to address them. I responded well to this newfound knowledge and was able to rewrite the narrative of eternal ugliness that I had devised.

I began to take control of a situation I had rendered wholly uncontrollable.

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I taught myself how to work out what cuts of clothing actually compliment my figure, how to apply a full face of make-up. I now stop to look in a mirror as opposed to scurrying past it.

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But finally being content in my own body has not come without its complications. When you are ready to cut the cards the possibilities are endless! Lady with Black Lipstick Hopeless romantic speaking her thoughts. The Two Terriers This site is to try to make sense of my world as it is now, as it has become. Site Title.


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